You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
