I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
