Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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