my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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