When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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