I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
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Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
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The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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