You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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