Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
