Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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