i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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