just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
