It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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