Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
