I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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