just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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