Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
