nut hugger
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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