i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
