why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
