wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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