I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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