strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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