I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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