I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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