Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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