dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i will never coherently bang her
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize