She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
