you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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