Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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