I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
