Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Drake has all the answers
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
