Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
