Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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