nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
