One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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