He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Also, beer. Big fan.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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