This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
