i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
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she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
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I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?