i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you