Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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