Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
