he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
