I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
