oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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