I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
