I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
