God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
