I faked an abortion last night.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
