Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
