were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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