but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
