i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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