this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
