You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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