Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
