if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
